Fifth series, episode 16
All five series are available here on the HebWeb.
In this mid-October episode, George Murphy tells the tale of Dave and Doris, writes about the Hebden Bridge flood defence scheme, adds a soroptimist to a cautionary tale, is cheered by peace breaking out in the Middle East, shares memories of an 80s punk band and responds to recent UFO sitings in West Yorkshire.
Hebden wins the jackpot!
Dave drives away from Hebden along Burnley Road …
Dave: Look at all these parked cars. Hebden’s a proper boom town these days.
Doris: T’ size o’t queue at t’ Picture House for t’ Riot Women Preview!
Dave: And guess what? Hebden’s been given £81 million for a new flood defence scheme!
Doris: Wow! That’s like them villages in Spain where they get a huge lottery win!
Dave: Yes, but Hebden didn’t even need to buy a ticket!
Doris: I bet they’re ecstatic. I remember how bad those floods were. I bet they can’t wait!
Dave: Thing is Doris … They’ve asked for another month … to think about it!
Fab Four visit Haworth
I took Paul Degnan and H to Haworth Story Telling circle. The home team had challenged me to bring John, Paul, George and H (aka Ringo). But as it happens, John had to drop out. We sat next to American storyteller Joan, so we told her she could be John.
Paul told a Hebridean tale he collected on his travels. H shared a poem about Prince Charles visiting Hebden after the Boxing Day flood, mimicking the HRH voice. My new cautionary tale went down well, but those of a squeamish disposition should look away now.
Benjamin
Who had an urge to pick his nose but lost the one true love he chose
From early childhood, when in repose,
Benjamin loved to pick his nose,
Which would not have been an issue,
If only he had used a tissue.
He didn’t seem to mind at all,
That Ruby Ring and Toby Tall,
When shoved up his apertures,
Sent a message of, “Up yours!”
His parents’ love began to cool,
They sent him off to boarding school.
Where masters soon began to chunter,
And boys called him, “The Bogey Hunter!”
In later life, on a dating app,
Ben seemed ‘a really decent chap.’
A Soroptimist, by name of Mimi,
Thought him, ‘Absolutely Dreamy!’
A few months later, at the Savoy,
Mimi fell for her posh boy.
Not knowing Ben wished to propose,
She went off to powder her nose.
While she wor gone, Ben felt afraid,
He’d bought a ring for his English maid.
To relax himself - this story is gospel -
He twirled a finger up his left nostril!
Mimi, standing in t’ Ladies queue,
Looked back and got a terrible view …
As Ben, his nostril excavated,
Examined its contents, and then he ate it!
Mimi, as calmly as she wor able,
Returned and saw Ben’s ring on t’ table.
She quaffed her wine, stared at her toff,
And said, “Benjamin … I’m calling it off.”
“But Mimi, why?” He begged to know.
“Is it my youth? Or my portfolio?!”
“Benjy, dear boy, I’ll tell you what:
It’s neither of those. Really … it’s not!”So, all young men in pursuit of a Mrs,
Take care what you do with your orifices
Flood defence latest …
An alarmist article appeared in The Halifax Courier with a sketch that seemed to infer that our River Hebden will soon be surrounded by immovable Berlin Wall type flood defences. The article did not mention the plans for retractable gates which slot out of sight on all the days there isn’t a flood.
The accompanying photograph incorrectly showed the Memorial Park as the base for siting the flood machinery when work commences. I wonder if AI is the Courier’s new roving reporter?
I called in at The Flood Alleviation Shop to check when the work will start on Crow Nest Bridge, which is just across from us, and was our precious escape route on Boxing Day in 2015. At the moment, we are completely dependent on the unmade lane which developed an impassable sink hole ten years ago.
In the queue at the shop, a couple who have started up a new business in the town, told staff they were in favour of the resilience work, despite the first business group they joined being vehemently opposed. Staff assured them that the local Business Forum has approved the plans.
Since we’ve lived round here, traders have often complained against planning programmes, such as the adoption of one way streets to reflow traffic and enable the opening of George’s Square. There was also an outcry against moving the market next to the square. Despite the complaints, and petitions organised by shopkeepers, both developments have been a great success, and despite the four year schedule for the flood resilience works, the short term pain should be worth it for the long term gain.
English Heritage thinks the visual impact of the defences around the Grade 2 listed medieval bridge will be minimal. I’d say it was moderate. In any case, with a new Sally Wainwright show on the telly, I reckon the tourists will keep flooding in, whilst we try to keep the flood waters out. Homes covered by the Flood Re scheme will be covered until 2039, and afterwards we might still be protected if we’ve got expensive flood defences.
But local businesses will soon find their insurance costs soaring. A shop on Market Street has just received a quote for a massive hike in its annual insurance payments.
The lead flood warden has written, "Sadly, I don’t believe Hebden Bridge will survive another serious flood. We are vulnerable and if this scheme is not carried out, there will be nothing to protect our town."
A Sunday saunter
I was inspired by Sunday’s sunshine to hobble along the towpath to Mytholmroyd for an al fresco cappuccino outside the Blue Teapot. The café was packed and the veggie food looked scrumptious. Mytholmroyd’s floods wiped out many local houses and businesses. Their 4 yearlong flood defence programme was annoying but necessary.
Riot Women’s Mother?
On FaceBook, Jenny Slaughter asked, ‘Was Sally Wainwright inspired by the real Hebden Bridge based, all women mid lifers band that was called Every Punx Mother in the late 80s?
The lineup was:
Jan Maloney (RIP) – poet, songwriter, vocalist, who couldn’t sing but carried the band with Ian Drury type ranting in a floor level fur coat
Carol Holden (RIP) – a beautiful singer and flute player
Rhiannon (RIP) – Bass player and Sculptor
Jenny Slaughter – keyboards and backing vocals who played the keys like drums for impact
Shirley – drummer and musician par excellence
Janet MacConachie - who wanted to join so was allocated percussion’
Jenny remembers songs such as The Pre-Menses Tenses and Too Hot To Handle but Too Cold To Hold.
She writes, "We were billed to play Glastonbury in 1987 but someone was ill and we didn’t make it but I went anyway."
Here’s another incarnation of the Punx band, entitled Belladonna.
Trump triumph?
One of the men who armed Israel’s IDF has claimed the war is over and is hailed as a peacemaker. Let’s see how this pans out in the coming months and years for both the Palestinians and Israelis. If a would be US dictator wins his Nobel peace prize next year, rewarding his vanity would be a small price to pay.
To the victor goes the prize. Remember when Thatcher removed the gunboat protecting The Falklands? Hundreds died when the Argentine Generals took that as a sign of weakness and invaded. Michael Foot backed the government against the fascist junta but Thatcher got lauded whilst the Defence Secretary John Nott fell on his sword.
Illegal aliens?
This 1971 photograph appeared on social media. The futurology house was situated where Morrison’s supermarket now resides.. After the famous ‘abduction’ of a policeman back in 1980, I did some research and discovered that flying saucers are still being spotted in these parts.
During lockdown, The Huddersfield Examiner headlined with:
Man says he saw Robbie Williams on spaceship after being abducted by aliens’ in Bingley.
‘Expert UFOLOGIST’ Ross Kellett claimed he was abducted by aliens whilst riding his motorbike. “I went through a tunnel and ended up in a room with tall, bald aliens … and Robbie Williams”
The Daily Mail Online recently featured a flurry of "unidentified flying objects’ over Headingley, in Leeds, including ‘one that looked like a giant spoon."
A Welcome to Yorkshire website seemed strangely eager to frighten people away, reporting last month on glowing orbs and saucer shaped objects and asked, "Are they alien spaceships … or just lens flares?’"
So at the Stories for a Better World at the Rat and Ratchet in Huddersfield, I ended proceedings with a dark tale about a UFO abduction in the 1990s.
The Todmorden Triangle
Murphy's Lore, the book, is available to order here
If you would like to send a message about this piece or suggest ideas, email George Murphy
More Murphy's Lore
See the Murphy's Lore home page for over 160 episodes.