Sixth series, episode 8

All six series are available here on the HebWeb.

George Murphy writes, 'During late spring, although temporarily housebound, I read, watched telly, scrolled social media, dosed myself with painkillers and was thankful for being waited on. When I did venture out, I got advice from the keeper of these chronicles on dictating my thoughts to my laptop, rather than continuing my one handed typing. I discovered that my whispered dictation of this episode and strong cuppas helped me to forget the nagging discomfort that woke me from my early hours slumbers.'

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An English country garden

Our garden was waterlogged in early spring, so I didn't tend to it in the usual way. Then, just as the sun finally came out and the garden dried, I smashed my wrist. So, I was unable to do the Chelsea Chop, nor dig out weeds and deep rooted nettles. Still, insects love nettles and dandelions. And I kind of like our 2026 unkempt cottage garden.

Although I can't feel as much satisfaction when I look out on our garden as in previous years.

"I know nothing!"

Sarah Wood, Leader of the Reform group in Kirklees, admitted, "I don't understand the Council's Constitution … nor do I understand what an amendment is … I don't understand what standing orders are."
Well Sarah, you should have made your admissions on your election leaflet, rather than just demanding, 'GET STARMER OUT!'

Different shades of blue

In Calderdale, Reform have control of the council after winning more than half the seats. Two of the Reform cabinet are former true blue councillors. Ex Tory Andrew Tagg, councillor for Illingworth and Mixenden, is the new Mayor.

The Upper Valley is still an island of liberalism. Round here there was a high turnout. 63% of the electorate voted. 4 Labour and 5 Green councillors were elected.

Spaceships Over Doncaster

A Reform councillor wanted a committee to investigate reports of spaceships hovering over Doncaster Sheffield Airport.

"… given the verified unidentified anomaly phenomena (UAP) activity recorded directly over Doncaster Sheffield airport … including my own ward over this weekend and in line with NASA's recommendations for evidence based UAP oversight to focus on aviation safety, I move to make the suggestion that full council establish a temporary Doncaster UAP overview and safety committee or panel committee and shall coordinate and produce a public report within six months … "

Which presumably means cancelling summer getaways for their constituents over the summer.

Reform or Restore?

Two Geordie relatives joined the "Unite the Kingdom" march organised by Tommy Robinson. The rally was billed as a 'free speech' festival, with police estimating there were 50,000 marchers.

Elon Musk has funded Tommy Robinson's campaigns but is also engaged in a row with Nigel Farage over his support for the rival Restore Britain party. Reform isn't right wing enough for the world's richest man.

GB News polling suggests Restore could take 7% of the vote in the crucial Makerfield by election, and Farage reckons this could split the far right vote and allow Andy Burnham to win.

Reality TV

Married at first sight

Channel 4 knew that mismatched couples made the best TV, and up to 3 million viewers gawped at couples who were desperate to get their hour of fame. Now, some wives have complained to BBC reporters that they were raped and molested by their new husbands.

According to the Mirror, in the British shows, marriages were legally binding during its first five series. This led to divorces, with just one couple reportedly remaining together. From 2021 onwards, however, producers implemented a significant shift and adopted the same approach as in the Australian format, rather than legal marriages. Couples now make 'a lifelong commitment to one another at a glamorous ceremony, overseen by a wedding celebrant, that includes guests, bridal gowns, dancing, speeches and cake.'

Back in 1973, we married in the Registry Office in Durham. I wore a cream coloured corduroy suit, causing an onlooker to mutter, "Which one's the bride?"

When we seemed to be enjoying the ceremony, the registrar, who looked as if she had an invisible turd under her nostrils throughout the proceedings, fiercely told us, "This is a serious occasion!"

But I'm glad rules surrounding civil partnerships have been relaxed since those days. In the 90s, when a friend of ours died from a blood clot on his brain, his partner, the mother of their three children, was not allowed to give permission for his life support to be turned off. His mother was regarded as his nearest next of kin, and had to travel north to give her permission. Cruelly, his partner could not receive a share of his teacher's pension.

Traitors, India and Ireland:

I love Traitors, especially the UK series, but detected a crude manipulation in both these series. In Ireland, on the penultimate day, host Siobhan McSweeney reminded three remaining female faithfuls to think about who hadn't talked during the previous round table session, rather than concentrating on their own squabbles.

This hint caused the new sisterhood to trust each other and they duly murdered the male traitors on the final day.

In the Indian series one of the 'innocents' walked along a corridor next to the snooker room, where the two traitors were loudly discussing their tactics. Did she just chance upon the plotters? Or did the programme makers prompt her?

I realise that programme makers first duty is to even the odds by providing a gripping finale.

The producers of the UK Celebrity Traitors 2025 also tried to help the faithfuls in their penultimate episode, asking each remaining contestant, "Are you a faithful or a traitor?" When his turn came, Alan Carr couldn't keep a straight face and burst out laughing!

Millions watched the gripping last day. But, if you didn't, guess who won?

Race across the world:

As a couch spud, I tried to work out the factors that help to sustain this show, including the ban on competitors using their own mobile phones, which prompts them to talk to locals.

And tight expenses, that often need to be topped up by finding jobs in local businesses and is often followed by sharing their homes. We realise that the hospitality given by locals, however poor, reflects cultures where providing food and shelter for travellers is a deeply ingrained tradition.
The careful selection of racers is also vital. As well as a desire to win, they should find satisfaction from supporting each other along the way.

A good read

The Mongolian leg of this year's Race across the World was fascinating. I used to think Genghis Khan was genetically connected to most modern Europeans. But according to James Hawes's The shortest history of Ireland (2026), the Mongolian hordes never reached Ireland.

The Irish predominantly descended from the wave of migration that fanned out around 5,500 years ago, from an area north of the Black Sea and the Caspian Sea. Their 'DNA marker' is dominant across Europe, but, as the Irish News noted, "It is stratospheric in Ireland, where 84% of the population has the marker."

So, the Murphys and their like are a more select group than we ever expected.

Scrolling 1

Steve Tilson reflected after a recent gig, on an ancient song he'd performed with a join-in chorus if he was "Born to be mild."

I still enjoy Fairport Convention, Sandy Denny, early Dylan and Joni Mitchell and on long journeys we listen to two Tilston CDs in our car.

But, I once wrote a skit about my twin brother, a real folky, who still plays vinyl LPs of Donovan and The Incredible String Band.

Our Percy:

"Eee … I'm worried about our Percy,
I'm reet worried about our Perce.
Since joining that storytelling club
He's been under some sort of curse.
First off he wor telling monologues,
An' allus talking in verse.
But now he's bought a weskit,
An he's taken a turn for t' worst.
He's started singing folksongs!
Oh, where did we go wrong?
He stands there with his hand to his ear,
And wants us to sing along!
We allus did us best by t' lad,
Since he took his first breath,
We played him tracks by t' Sex Pistols,
An' such as Megadeath.
But just to put a cap on things,
He's bought a ukulele!
It must have cost him twenty pounds
An' he's plucking on it daily!
Father says, "Don't worry mother.
I'm sure he'll soon get bored.
He's been plucking it for a fortnight now,
An' he's not mastered pluckin' t' first chord!

Scrolling 2

Benjamin Myers revealed he was one of the literati asked to select favourite novels for this item in The Guardian. Ben selected books that had influenced him in his own writing career, starting with Robinson Cruesoe.

Which got me thinking, I hope Gulliver's Travels is in the mix – and DH Lawrence. Although I'm glad Middlemarch came 1st. But more on this in the next episode.

Scrolling 3

Broken wristed Nanna

I saw, fleetingly, a clip of Peter Kay on his current tour. He told the tale of his Nana, who rang him one day and said, "Peter I think I've broken my wrist."

He asked, "Where are you now, Nana?!"

"I'm on the bus with two big bags of shopping."

He told her he'd give her a lift to A&E, but when she got home, she should put a bag of ice-cubes on her wrist, or a bag of frozen peas.

She said, "I haven't got any ice cubes, Peter. But I have got a tin of frozen peas. Will that do?"

Scrolling 4

The Observer noted comedian Frank Skinner's 'mind stretching' compilation of Hebden's Peter Riley's reviews in the prestigious Fortnightly Review, soon to be published in Shearsman. Skinner admits that after reading the book he relaxed his mind by watching The Eurovision Song Contest.

Hot Times in Upper Calder

The recent record temperatures reminded me of a gig I performed last year. My inspiration for the show was my experience of walking into town in 39° heat, during England's hottest day since records began. The air in town was buffeting off the pavements. The town centre was almost deserted. After a GP appointment in the air conditioned surgery, I called in at One Stop, where customers and staff were chilling in front of the fridges and freezers.

Unfortunately, my 2025 show was in February, on one of the coldest days of the year! It was even freezing inside the Folklore Centre, as a workman insisted on leaving the door open as he visited his van at regular intervals.

The show went well, but this week would have been more appropriate for its staging, as temperatures reached the mid-30s in the shade. On Spring Bank Holiday Monday, the temperature on our decking in the glare of the sun reached 42.5 degrees. Residents in an imaginary care home, a few years in the future, recall strange goings on back in the 1970s, involving candle-lit midnight rituals in the ruins of the ruined church in Heptonstall. With fire engine sirens offstage, as they rushed to another fire on the moors, an ancient compere sings:

"Welcome to our village,
We like to celebrate.
At Easter there's a Pace Egg
In summer there's a Fete.
In autumn there's a harvest,
And sometimes for a lark,
A bacchanalian orgy
In the graveyard after dark.

(CHORUS)
For a lark, (for a lark!)
After dark (After dark!)
A bacchanalian orgy
In the graveyard after dark.

And at our evening classes
There's knitting and crochet,
And air frying your placenta
For that special birthing day.
And after a short warm up,
With a quick jog round the park,
There's a bacchanalian orgy
In the graveyard after dark.

(CHORUS

Then he marched off with the air of Doc Martin in that Cornish programme PW still likes to watch, where patients feel affronted by his brusque manner but end up feeling he was right.

And finally …

Having missed out on walks through bluebell woods this year, I felt compelled to share Coming out Day: a fairytale of Hebden Bridge. Which not only includes the genre's necessary magical element (inspired by witnessing the annual migration of tiny toads along the Scout Hut road), but also includes some of the labels given to Hebden Bridge in recent decades.

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